Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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