I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
