You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She's the barista slut.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
