I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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