He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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