I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
