You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
