i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
