dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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