I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
