Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
