Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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