evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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