"it" just moved
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
