sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
