He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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