Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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