dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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