somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
a search helicopter?!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So much Jack, so little girl.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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