kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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