I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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