The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
