Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
