I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
