So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She's like a pop up book from hell.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize