forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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