This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
