God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
