How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
