I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
