I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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