I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So squirting runs in the family.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
