I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
