No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
