if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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