i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
