there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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