Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
