I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You were trust falling into bushes
I smell like Dick and happiness
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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