YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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