Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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