idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
