You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My pussy is not your playground.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
