Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
