I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
