I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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