just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
