Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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