Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
