I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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