I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
