Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
