I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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