I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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