I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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