why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
