Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize