A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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