I'm pants shitting drunk right now
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
