i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
