She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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