just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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