You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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