i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
