dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
