how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
