I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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