Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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