I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
