I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
