I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
