About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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