I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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