Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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